Waiting

11/14/08

Just waiting, waiting, waiting. The MRI biopsy is in a few hours. I'm not so freaked out at the moment. It is what it is and it won't last forever.

I finally did a little online searching last night. I have avoided big chunks of information, but I wanted to see pictures of what women's breasts looked like after lumpectomy and after mastectomy. It felt a little creepy to be looking at pictures of women's breasts on the internet, but I gotta say, I am very, very grateful to the women who allowed their pictures to be posted and who share their stories. The lumpectomy pictures are such a relief- the breasts look normal, although not the same shape/size. The one has a scar on it. I really feel at ease- I can handle a scar and a change of shape. The first mastectomy picture I saw was not at all what I had expected. It was a picture of a beautiful 31 year old woman who found out she had breast cancer and was pregnant all in the same week. She went through a mastectomy and chemo while pregnant. In the picture, she has no clothes on, is hugely pregnant, bald, and has a large line across a flat spot where her breast used to be. She has her arm around her 3 year old daughter. The picture is oddly beautiful and their is such a sense of courage there. It puts things into perspective for me. There was a also a whole series of pictures showing what the breast reconstruction process looks like over a series of many months. Right now it looks pretty weird to me.

I had a nice chance to sit and talk about all this yesterday with some of my special people. It was the first time I got to talk about it all without being in a doctor's waiting room, stressing about some procedure. I'm not disappointed with the surgery delay. I think maybe I could use the few extra days to get my thoughts in order and a chance to feel a few more emotions. I have another weekend and I'll try really hard to relax and resist the urge to get everything in order again like I did last weekend!